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- Robert Hawkins
- Robert Hawkins is an ex-army medic (U.S.) who grew up fast on the sandy beaches of Fort Lauderdale, Florida. "I joined the army because I was 18 and bored with tenth grade". After an honorable discharge from civilian jobs, he took the advice of...Read on
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If you want to sing in my car, go ahead, sing. Sing the whole trip, I don't mind. But do me a favor: don't try to sound like the artist on the radio, just use your own voice. You're not going to trick me into thinking Dave Matthews jumped in the car when I was getting gas.
You know, if you just act natural, you can swim in any hotel pool, anywhere, for a half hour. The world is yours. You gotta be cool. If someone yells, 'Marco,' you yell, 'Polo' -- get in the game.
How did I quit? With willpower and nicotine gum. I recommend the gum if you wanna quit, it helps. The taste? I would rather eat a tobacco plant out of the ass of a pilgrim in front of people.
I went to the store; I'm on the cereal aisle where they have the cereal, and I see a box of Cap'n Crunch. It's just the crunch berries; there's no crunch -- it's just a box of crunch berries. And that is the problem with kids today, right there:...
I learned a lot in the army. I learned how to masturbate quiet.
Eventually, I went to Hawaii. You ever been there before? It's beautiful. The travel agent told us, 'Stay off the beach a ways and save some cash.' Give you an idea of how far off the beach we were -- we were in Jersey. You know what? They're a little rude in that part of Hawaii.
I went to the barber shop. The guy goes, 'How ya doin' there, Red?' I said, 'Not bad, Psoriasis. You sure you wanna play this game?'
You mean you're not the guy from Creed's third cousin, second removed, if he had Down Syndrome, lived in a burlap sack and was beaten with an oar every five minutes? Well, you could have fooled me, man.
Baton Rouge has -- hands-down -- the hottest, sweetest, youngest women with four kids anywhere in the country.
- Robert Hawkins - Sing Along(1:29)
- Robert Hawkins
- The older you get, the more you hate people.
- Videos Tagged: Comedy Central Presents (1821), imitations (772), music (727), aging (296), rants (130), Robert Hawkins (10), Dave Matthews (1)
- Robert Hawkins - All About the Fun(5:01)
- Robert Hawkins
- Robert wants people to judge him by his jokes, not his face.
- Videos Tagged: health (976), Premium Blend (750), lookin' good (369), violence (304), physical humor (203), shopping (197), Robert Hawkins (10)
- Robert Hawkins - Quitting Smoking(1:28)
- Robert Hawkins
- Quitting smoking doesn't mean quitting other addictions.
- Videos Tagged: Comedy Central Presents (1821), health (976), animals (791), observational (334), aging (296), smoking (126), cats & cats (72), addiction (25), Robert Hawkins (10)
- Robert Hawkins - Cheap Vacation(1:32)
- Robert Hawkins
- Salespeople in beach stores have excellent sales skills.
- Videos Tagged: Comedy Central Presents (1821), money (865), imitations (772), stereotypes (431), travel (310), military (242), shopping (197), New Jersey (97), Hawaii (25), Robert Hawkins (10)
- Robert Hawkins - World Traveler(2:59)
- Robert Hawkins
- In Spanish, "el" is the sound you make when your sinuses act up.
- Videos Tagged: Comedy Central Presents (1821), sex (1283), imitations (772), America (446), travel (310), laws (172), porn (110), Robert Hawkins (10)
- Robert Hawkins - Balding(2:05)
- Robert Hawkins
- A lack of patience is the world's biggest problem.
- Videos Tagged: Comedy Central Presents (1821), men/women (1003), dating (656), lookin' good (369), audience interaction (303), driving (296), self-deprecating (211), confessional (60), Robert Hawkins (10)
- Robert Hawkins - Not Fair(1:44)
- Robert Hawkins
- Men always get stuck with condom detail.
- Videos Tagged: Comedy Central Presents (1821), sex (1283), men/women (1003), money (865), food (804), dating (656), rants (130), penises (117), Robert Hawkins (10)
- Robert Hawkins - Singing Along(1:39)
- Robert Hawkins
- Use your own voice if you're going to sing along to the radio.
- Videos Tagged: music (727), friends (312), songs (299), driving (296), Shorties Watchin' Shorties (149), Nick DiPaolo (61), Patrice O'Neal (35), Robert Hawkins (10)
- Robert Hawkins - Write Home(2:54)
- Robert Hawkins
- Nowadays, kids can get Crunch Berries cereal without the crunch.
- Videos Tagged: Comedy Central Presents (1821), sex (1283), kids (841), food (804), imitations (772), family (667), parents (525), friends (312), pop culture (293), storyteller (263), confessional (60), Robert Hawkins (10)
- Robert Hawkins - In the Army(3:09)
- Robert Hawkins
- Apparently, an education is required to join the Air Force.
- Videos Tagged: Comedy Central Presents (1821), sex (1283), Iraq (1073), imitations (772), drugs (639), wars (467), America (446), death (318), advertising (289), storyteller (263), military (242), news & politics (229), Robert Hawkins (10)
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