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- Lizz Winstead
- As a co-creator and former head writer of Comedy Central's "The Daily Show," and Co-founder of Air America Radio; LIZZ WINSTEAD has emerged as a critically acclaimed political writer and producer. As a performer, WINSTEAD brought her political...Read on
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They don't read here; they don't read the paper. I was at a party a couple of weeks ago, talking to this guy about the Gaza Strip. He thought it was the adhesive side of a maxi pad.
My friend Phil -- brought up Orthodox Jewish -- he actually thought the New Testament was the paperback version of the Old Testament.
I went to Catholic school, everyone in my neighborhood was Catholic -- I literally had no idea that Jews existed. I thought they were characters in the Bible, like Argonauts or hobbits or something.
The Ku Klux Klan actually adopted a highway, which is futile, because that just means, anywhere you go, there's just going to be white trash on the streets.
You know the last time Jesse Helms kissed a Jew, he got 30 pieces of silver for it.
If you're not sure who is a terrorist in this country, they've really helped us out to figure it out. If you go to the website of the Department of Homeland Security, they'll give you some hints. First thing you want to look for is pregnant women,...
I love when people are obsessed with terror attacks that are going to die so much sooner than that is ever going to happen -- like smokers. Have you seen smokers completely freaked out at a party? You get a couple drinks into them: 'You know, I live by Ground Zero, man, and my lungs haven't been the same.'
They're giving us terrorist alerts that are three years old. How stupid do they think we are? How much are they gonna try to scare us with crap for information? This is what you're gonna hear the day before election day: 'We've just received...
First, we have Colin Powell waving this vial of nutmeg around at the UN -- 'It's a weapon of mass destruction!' -- and then, there was the yellow cake uranium. So, now we have nutmeg and yellow. So, apparently, we need to get into Iraq because Saddam is this close to making sticky buns.
We buy bottled water every single day without thinking about it. Why? Because drinking tap water is more dangerous than doing Jell-O shots off of Courtney Love, that's why.
At least Bush has his priorities straight. It's not putting more poison into the water that's ruining the environment -- it's those homo-extremists that want to get married and have health insurance. Somebody stop them!
I have to make a plea to you -- we gotta stop this 70s fashion thing from happening. It's making me want to puke. Who organized this call to arms with the bellbottoms? It's like the biggest nightmare. Whoever decided this was a good idea never had...
This guy's into this whole Zen karma thing, and he said, 'You know, Liz. You really need to find your center.' And I'm thinking, 'No, you find my center. That's why I'm going out with you.'
My roommate is this completely psychotic, anal retentive nightmare roommate. He's the kind of guy who will eat bran on the toilet. He's insane. Why even eat the bran? Why don't you just buy the bran, throw it in your toilet and alleviate the middle man?
But here's the good thing about Iraq: they now have a democratically installed prime minister. And I don't want to say he's in bed with this administration, but they did find Dick Cheney's Rolex lodged in his colon.
You look at where we live, and you know, we are giving them $18 billion to rebuild the Iraqi infrastructure. They're gonna get jobs. I was thinkin' maybe we should just bomb ourselves so we could upgrade our school system.
How the hell is she supposed to figure out which one of these 73 plans is good for her? Well, I'll tell ya. George Bush says, 'You know what? Here's the best way to do it. You just navigate our Medicare website.'... Old people cannot find...
Isn't that kind of Bush's whole thing? Just keep us fat and afraid, and we'll buy any of this stuff from him. He gives all of this stuff fancy names, sounds like a good idea, right? The 'Clear Skies Initiative' -- you have to be heavily medicated...
Jokes Tagged:
health (734),
news & politics (616),
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George W. Bush (117),
Lizz Winstead (22)
I think you need to create a situation where all these homophobes in Congress think that the gay marriage amendment is gonna work for them. 'Cause really, here's what happens -- when your Rick Santorums and your Tom DeLays and every other kook-bag...
Jokes Tagged:
sex (2379),
men/women (1718),
news & politics (616),
marriage (356),
Lizz Winstead (22)
What should we expect from a compassionate conservative?... Which part of the compassionate conservative equation is it that steals from poor kids' lunch programs to pay for tax cuts for the rich? I'm not sure.
