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- Lenny Clarke
- Lenny Clarke was born in Cambridge, Mass., one of eight children. He decided to pursue stand-up comedy one night when he was working as a janitor, putting himself through college at University of Massachusetts in Boston. That night, he went to the...Read on
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I'm an honest guy. I was on the beach on the way up here, and I saw these two ugly people. I went up to them and said, 'Hey, you're not gonna have any kids, are ya? You gotta think ahead.'
I hate you when you drink.' I said, 'Good, 'cause I hate you when I'm not drinking.'
I can't get divorced 'cause I'm a Catholic. Catholics don't get divorced. They stay together through anger and hatred and festering misery, just like God intended.
Did I mention I married a woman? 'Cause I want to get that straight right out front. I love women. Women are probably the number one reason why I'm not a homosexual today. OK, alright -- had sex with one guy, but I needed a ride real bad.
I've always wanted to be rich and famous. The only thing holding me back is the money.
Little things start to change in your life -- like your socks start to get tight.
I was hoping I'd get really sick, you know? Catch maybe like a cold, work it into a flu, get a double pneumonia, whopping cough -- lose all this weight throwing up, burping up. People say, 'Wow! You look great! What happened?' 'Yeah, I got sick, yeah.'
I tried cocaine to lose weight. It just made me eat faster.
A Mexican won the Boston Marathon two years ago. He wasn't even in the race; he was just running down the street.
- Lenny Clarke - Weight Loss(2:24)
- Lenny Clarke
- Lenny Clarke hates running into people from high school.
- Videos Tagged: Comedy Central Presents (1821), health (976), weight/obesity (302), school (258), Lenny Clarke (11)
- Lenny Clarke - Weight Loss Pills(1:59)
- Lenny Clarke
- Lenny Clarke recently lost 135 pounds.
- Videos Tagged: Comedy Central Presents (1821), health (976), drugs (639), weight/obesity (302), Lenny Clarke (11)
- Lenny Clarke - Experimenting with Drugs(1:53)
- Lenny Clarke
- Lenny Clarke tried cocaine once -- for, like, nine years.
- Videos Tagged: Comedy Central Presents (1821), drugs (639), growing up (453), one-liners (57), Lenny Clarke (11)
- Lenny Clarke - Baggy Dungarees(2:02)
- Lenny Clarke
- Lenny Clarke encountered an 11-year-old kid who wore baggy pants and didn't use complete sentences.
- Videos Tagged: Comedy Central Presents (1821), kids (841), fashion (230), trends (27), Lenny Clarke (11)
I went to a gym. They offered me free membership for life if I posed for a 'don't let this happen to you' poster.
- Lenny Clarke - Astronaut(2:15)
- Lenny Clarke
- Lenny Clarke was lit up when he stole his dad's car and drove to Cape Canaveral.
- Videos Tagged: Comedy Central Presents (1821), parents (525), growing up (453), work/office (398), space (158), Lenny Clarke (11)
- Lenny Clarke - Irish Catholic(3:36)
- Lenny Clarke
- Lenny will never forget his third grade teacher, Sister Mary Triggerhappy.
- Videos Tagged: Comedy Central Presents (1821), ethnic (814), religion (776), alcohol (496), stereotypes (431), Catholic (119), Irish (55), Boston (39), Lenny Clarke (11)
- Lenny Clarke - Kids Are Crazy(2:36)
- Lenny Clarke
- Don't ever throw a bomb at a nun.
- Videos Tagged: Comedy Central Presents (1821), sex (1283), kids (841), work/office (398), violence (304), school (258), weapons (127), Lenny Clarke (11)
- Lenny Clarke - Proud to be an American(1:50)
- Lenny Clarke
- Lenny Clarke got in a cab and gave the guy $20 to move over so he could drive.
- Videos Tagged: Comedy Central Presents (1821), ethnic (814), wars (467), terrorism (439), stereotypes (431), 9/11 (290), news & politics (229), Lenny Clarke (11)
- Lenny Clarke - Married and Catholic(1:39)
- Lenny Clarke
- Catholics don't get divorced.
- Videos Tagged: men/women (1003), religion (776), imitations (772), gay/homosexual (633), marriage (581), alcohol (496), The A-List (491), Catholic (119), sleep (105), Lenny Clarke (11)
- Lenny Clarke - The Truth(1:50)
- Lenny Clarke
- Parents lie to their kids.
- Videos Tagged: kids (841), marriage (581), parents (525), The A-List (491), work/office (398), Los Angeles (240), rants (130), Lenny Clarke (11)
