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- John Heffron
- John Heffron burst onto the comedic scene during the prime of his college heyday. Although he graduated in his home state of Michigan, Heffron's priorities became clear when he began to skip class to perform live stand-up. His first gig...Read on
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Ladies, I don't know how to put this: we're into your stories, but you need to make them shorter.
I kind of wanted to get married to get my first marriage out of the way.
That tick is a 45-minute 'You're an ass' speech, all rolled up.
Guys don't want to talk -- ever. We used it up the first night we met you.
They always say that the older you get, you start to lose your memory. I could be watching a TV show for 45 minutes. Then, during commercials, I start flipping through the channels. Then I have to stop and go, 'What the hell was I watching?'
At bars, women are like Marines: they don't leave anybody behind.
I told my mom I needed a haircut, and my mom goes, 'Oh, I can cut your hair for you.' Really? Hmm, I've got pictures when I was 11 that say you can't.
I'm a little kid; I'm gone 12, 13, 14 hours -- I don't remember anybody coming looking for me. I'm gone 14 hours, no Amber Alert goes off.
They don't have backpacks anymore; they all have that rolling luggage crap now. Every time they get home, it looks like they're checking into a hotel. 'Hi, how are ya? What time does the shuttle leave for soccer?'
It's the running with the bulls. I don't know what else to tell you people. You just keep running and hear people getting gored behind you and just hope it never happens to you.
I went to the store with my wife 'cause we got a gift card from our wedding, and I went with her thinking I could help spend some of the money on the gift card. Rookie move -- apparently, my name is just on there for decoration.
That's what happens to you, fellas, once you get married: whatever your profession is, you open up a second business, which is a small shipping service, and your territory is your house, and you're on call 24/7. You just pretty much sit on the...
My wife recently said that we need to talk about our relationship, which was weird 'cause I'm like, 'But we're married. I thought we were done with that.' I thought we did the thing that will end all these talks. I was misinformed -- like declaring bankruptcy and still getting bills.
- John Heffron - The Tsk(2:34)
- John Heffron
- Men can't say "tsk."
- Videos Tagged: men/women (1003), Premium Blend (750), dating (656), alcohol (496), John Heffron (24)
- John Heffron - Roommate Rob(1:39)
- John Heffron
- John loves his wife but misses his roommate, Rob.
- Videos Tagged: Comedy Central Presents (1821), marriage (581), friends (312), housing (86), John Heffron (24)
- John Heffron - Second Business(1:24)
- John Heffron
- John's wife has him on call 24/7.
- Videos Tagged: Comedy Central Presents (1821), marriage (581), work/office (398), business (244), John Heffron (24)
You will find that they're all going to school, and they need money for books and stuff. So, you should give them all cash because, one day, you could be on your hospital gurney, getting ready for your double bypass, look up and go, 'Cinnamon?'
I got Tums in my pocket for no reason at all. I used to carry condoms, but I know I've got a better chance of getting a stomachache than getting laid.
I actually got to golf recently, and I'm not a golfer. I like the beer cart girls -- that's about it.
I'm not saying older women are sluttier; I'm just saying, an older woman isn't gonna make you wait 'til three in the morning 'cause she's got sh*t to do the next day. She'll probably have you done by 10. She's got a meeting to get up for. Heck, if...
