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- John Caparulo
- John began his stand-up career in Northeast Ohio in 1997. His sharp wit and unique delivery made him a crowd favorite right off the bat. After graduating from Kent State University,...Read on
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I went to an ATM today. Why would a homeless guy peddle for cash at the ATM? We're at the ATM 'cause we don't have any cash, and you're not getting a $20, bitch.
I don't even like big dogs. Nobody needs a Rottweiler. Unless you sell drugs or drive a sled to work, you don't need a dog that big.
I'm lazy. When you go to bed and start setting your alarm clock for p.m. -- why even set it at all? I'm setting it for 1:30 the other day, going, 'I don't wanna oversleep or nothing.'
- John Caparulo - Air Travel(1:59)
- John Caparulo
- John thinks airport bathrooms should go back to knobs.
- Videos Tagged: John Caparulo (16), Meet Cap (4), Air Travel (2)
- John Caparulo - Canada(1:57)
- John Caparulo
- John reveals just how annoying Canada is.
- Videos Tagged: Canada (202), John Caparulo (16), Meet Cap (4), Air Travel (2)
- John Caparulo - Interview(2:24)
- John Caparulo
- John Caparulo battles suburban leviathans and fast food jobs.
- Videos Tagged: interview (2828), fast food (61), John Caparulo (16), cop (5)
- John Caparulo - Pepper Spray(1:46)
- John Caparulo
- John realizes he'd be more dangerous with pepper spray than with a gun.
- Videos Tagged: crime (415), John Caparulo (16), Meet Cap (4)
I miss having a pet. We're not allowed to have dogs in my building. We're allowed to have cats. My friend's like, 'Why don't you get a cat?' I'm like, 'Why don't I just start kissing dudes, too, alright? Why don't I do that? Just go all the way...
Every flight I'm on is delayed -- every one. If you go to the airport and see I'm on your flight, you got time 'cause we're not going anywhere.
I didn't know I was making Thanksgiving dinner for you on a bun. It's a sandwich, alright? It's not a nuclear war situation. You're gonna eat again in three hours, dude.
Every year back in Ohio, we would have yard sales on Memorial Day weekend, so it's like Mardi Gras for white trash.
People come to your yard sale and ask for items they don't even see. Like, I got departments you don't know about or something? 'Where are your drapes? We're looking for drapes; we don't see drapes.' Oh, that's 'cause housewares is on the back...
I don't read, alright? I pay for cable.
Let's just say some guy, some weird guy, has a million dollars to spend on a blow job. He could probably do better than me. You know what I mean. I don't have any experience; I'm gonna cry the whole f**king time.
My friends guilt trip me, 'You hear what Bush said today? You see his speech?' 'Uh, no.' 'How could you miss that?' 'I guess I got more channels than you do, dude. It wasn't on Nickelodeon. I don't care.' 'What about the education system and gay...
Who unplugs a TV -- ever? You plug it in once, and it stays that way 'til you f**king move, alright? There could be a nest of opossums behind my TV, I wouldn't know it 'cause I don't go back there.
I'm all for porn, but don't share it. I go over my friend's house, 'Dude, I got this killer new porn. Wanna watch it?' 'Not together, really, that's weird. What's that gonna do to our relationship?'
I have never been so glad to be back in America, where people speak Spanish.
I don't know if you've looked at your state lately -- it sucks, alright? There's just cold and cows and stuff. I'm trying to get up to 88 miles an hour so I can get back to 1985, bitch.
- John Caparulo - Road Rage(1:59)
- John Caparulo
- John lets some of his road rage out on stage.
- Videos Tagged: driving (296), Los Angeles (240), John Caparulo (16), Meet Cap (4), Road Rage (1)
