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Once you hit 30, your life changes -- all the 30-year-olds know what I'm talking about. You hit 30, you don't run for the bus anymore. You get about halfway and go, 'Oh, there's other buses. I'm 30, this is garbage. I'm taking a cab to the bus.'
My optometrist says it comes from years of doing stand-up comedy, staring into the lights. Said he could fix it with laser surgery. I said, 'What're you gonna do?' He said, 'I'm gonna shine this light in your eye.'
Snails are untrustworthy because they crawl around with their houses on their backs.
- Jeremy Hotz - Oh, Canada(1:10)
- Jeremy Hotz
- Canada is not a very tough country.
- Videos Tagged: Comedy Central Presents (1821), military (242), Canada (202), Jeremy Hotz (10)
Ever try to get those pictures from him? He won't give them to you. He's all weird about it, too, isn't he? 'No, those are mine.' Alright, you keep 'em, you freak. Bring 'em home, look at 'em late and touch yourself, see if I care.
You got to stay out of the men's locker room, don't you? What a horrible, disgusting place that is, just filled with naked 85-year-old men -- just totally nude, nowhere near the shower, just nude and loitering. When I'm nude, I move fast. I'm looking for my clothes.
Getting old, I can't stop it. What a miserable life this turned out to be. Losing the hair on my head, getting some new hair right above my ass at the crack -- what the hell kind of tradeoff is that?
My next door neighbor's the Keebler Elf. Oh, I hate that little prick. He keeps me up at night making cookies in his tree. That's no way to run a business. There're zoning laws, you f**king shrimp.
I bought a car when I moved to Los Angeles 'cause I've never seen a bus. Oh, they have the stops, but the bus never comes by. You'd think L.A. was filled with homeless, but it's just people waiting for the bus.
Not a very tough country, huh? They got an army; they just didn't give them guns or anything. Look at the Canadian flag -- it's not a symbol of power, it's a leaf. Oh, don't screw with Canada. They'll dry up and blow away.
- Jeremy Hotz - Ugly(1:27)
- Jeremy Hotz
- Jeremy Hotz's nose looks like an elbow attached to his face.
- Videos Tagged: Comedy Central Presents (1821), aging (296), self-deprecating (211), confessional (60), Jeremy Hotz (10)
- Jeremy Hotz - Pain in the Eyes(3:04)
- Jeremy Hotz
- Brown contacts are not very big sellers.
- Videos Tagged: Comedy Central Presents (1821), health (976), self-deprecating (211), rants (130), Jeremy Hotz (10)
- Jeremy Hotz - Doctors and Dentists(2:35)
- Jeremy Hotz
- Doctors don't tell you anything you don't already know.
- Videos Tagged: Comedy Central Presents (1821), sex (1283), health (976), observational (334), Jeremy Hotz (10)
- Jeremy Hotz - Canadian Flag(0:50)
- Jeremy Hotz
- Canada's taking over Turkey and calling it chicken.
- Videos Tagged: wars (467), news & politics (229), Canada (202), Shorties Watchin' Shorties (149), Turkey (31), Jeremy Hotz (10)
- Jeremy Hotz - Games(2:02)
- Jeremy Hotz
- Battleship is the easiest game to cheat at.
- Videos Tagged: Comedy Central Presents (1821), audience interaction (303), aging (296), self-deprecating (211), rants (130), video games (68), Jeremy Hotz (10)
- Jeremy Hotz - Los Angeles(1:44)
- Jeremy Hotz
- Nothing changes in Los Angeles, not even the seasons.
- Videos Tagged: Comedy Central Presents (1821), food (804), animals (791), New York City (602), pop culture (293), business (244), Los Angeles (240), self-deprecating (211), rants (130), Jeremy Hotz (10)
- Jeremy Hotz - The Chevette(3:06)
- Jeremy Hotz
- Filling your Chevette with diesel fuel alongside a bunch of truckers is really embarrassing.
- Videos Tagged: Comedy Central Presents (1821), TV (543), America (446), driving (296), Los Angeles (240), self-deprecating (211), laws (172), Jeremy Hotz (10)
- Jeremy Hotz - The Gym(2:22)
- Jeremy Hotz
- The men's locker room at the gym is a horrible place.
- Videos Tagged: Comedy Central Presents (1821), men/women (1003), health (976), aging (296), storyteller (263), self-deprecating (211), exercise (140), rants (130), Jeremy Hotz (10)
- Jeremy Hotz - It's in the Mail(1:55)
- Jeremy Hotz
- Jeremy Hotz likes free stuff because he's cheap.
- Videos Tagged: Comedy Central Presents (1821), men/women (1003), health (976), money (865), pop culture (293), advertising (289), self-deprecating (211), rants (130), Jeremy Hotz (10)
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