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- Jake Johannsen
- Here's the breakdown: Start with a subtle and intelligent comedy style, add four cups of convoluted stories, lightly stir with bizarre observations and add a pinch of dementia for Johannsen Strudel. One of the finest and more cerebral...Read on
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- Jake Johannsen - Airport Escort(1:28)
- Jake Johannsen
- Once Jake gets off the plane, he's like a puppy waiting at the animal shelter.
- Videos Tagged: Two Drink Minimum (293), mental health (221), flying (181), Jake Johannsen (38)
- Jake Johannsen - Dignity(1:19)
- Jake Johannsen
- Jake didn't want to host a comedy show that would cheapen the artist.
- Videos Tagged: money (865), Two Drink Minimum (293), Comedy Central (76), Jake Johannsen (38)
- Jake Johannsen - Christmas Special(2:07)
- Jake Johannsen
- By the time they air this show, it could be Christmas time.
- Videos Tagged: Two Drink Minimum (293), Christmas (261), Jake Johannsen (38)
- Jake Johannsen - Plastic Doll(1:06)
- Jake Johannsen
- Men are quite simple.
- Videos Tagged: Comedy Central Presents (1821), sex (1283), men/women (1003), Jake Johannsen (38)
A while back, I went down to Washington, D.C., and they put me up in the Watergate Hotel... It's just like a normal hotel -- nice, you know. I don't know why I expected it would be weird, like all the paintings would have the eyeballs that are...
She says, 'Don't worry. You will be cleansed physically, mentally and emotionally by this procedure.' Which I thought was pretty grandiose talk for a butt janitor.
They know they're smarter than us, too, because we've been beaming 'COPS' into outer space.
People always tell you: 'Don't give the homeless money because they're just going to spend it on booze or drugs.' I kind of feel like, 'Hey, the guy lives in a box -- maybe he could use a drink.'
The Chinese food in China is not better than the Chinese food here, mostly because of differences of definitions of words that we have -- like, for example, 'beef.'
You want to scream at people in the street: 'Stop f**king! You have to stop f**king!'... I don't think they can stop because it's so crowded. As soon as you get home and take your pants off, you're inside of another person.
You look in my underwear drawer, and it's just, like -- that is to protect my pants from my ass.
You're supposed to put it on the dog's stitches or his butt. The vet says the dog will not lick the salve because the salve tastes bad to the dog. Hello? He's already licking his ass.
She's like, 'How could a man want to have sex with a plastic doll? How could a man want to put his penis in a plastic doll?' And I said, 'Well, it's not Plan A.'
I've noticed that the street food in New York is very similar -- you know with the hot dogs and pretzels -- to the food that you get at the ballpark. Then it kind of occurred to me that walking around New York City is very similar to going to a...
My plan for illegal immigration is very simple: burning river of gas. Yes -- with the whole border, burning river of gas. And I say we do Canada, too, just to be fair. We do not need Alan Thicke coming down here whenever he wants.
You gotta be a special kind of hungry to put something in your mouth that you get from a stranger on the streets of Manhattan, especially in Times Square, if you know what I mean.
I'd like to think that if I'm gonna drop dead in the next couple of weeks, you could tell just by looking at me. Apparently, that's the whole idea of the physical because all the guy does is look in my eye, check my pulse and that's it. I mean, a monkey with a stethoscope could have given me that exam.
Two good things about drinking on the airplane are -- you don't have to drive and, no matter how much you drink, they can't throw you out.
I can't understand that they're debating on whether or not to allow gays in the military. Surprise -- they're already in the military. I mean, why don't we debate whether or not we're gonna allow pigeons in New York City?
A lot of people say they think that Los Angeles is a heartless place that breeds insincerity and mistrust. But you know, I found that when I first moved there, I didn't like it, but after a while, something inside me died.
