So my wife's pregnant, and people are so idiotic. You know what people ask? They ask, 'What do you want? A little boy? A little girl?' Everything's prefaced with 'little.' Oh, jeez, no! We want the biggest thing possible. She wants to give birth...
For a long time, babies don't wear real clothes, they wear costumes... My mother in Boston sent us a business suit -- a little suit, a little man's suit: little black pants with a white shirt and a bowtie and a little red sportcoat -- like he's...
My wife was in labor for 30 hours. Then, at the end of that, she had a C-section. After 30 hours, the doctor said, 'Well, it looks like we have to go get him.' I guess we couldn't have done that yesterday? You know why they had to go get him? I'm...
You fellas seen these nursing bras? Cup opens right up. You got a snap on the cup: cup -- poof -- opens right up. Where have these been? I spent 16 years with my hand behind her back, 'What is that a staple? A button? Little help?'