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- Harland Williams
- Actor and Comedian, Harland Williams, makes his home in Hollywood, California. It's easy to see why this versatile performer is quite literally a Hollywood chameleon. Who can forget his memorable role as the pee-drinking cop in "Dumb...Read on
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My favorite owl is the snowy owl. This is my impression of the snowy owl: 'Hoo! Hoo, hoo! Hoo! Hoo -- f**k, it's cold.'
Here's what you do to get rid of spiders: go out, catch some flies, dip them into Tabasco sauce and flick them into the web.
You gotta feel bad for flies, though, huh? Lowly little thing on the totem pole. What happened when they were giving that out? Like lion: Lion, you will be king of the beasts and reign supreme over all other creatures. Fly: you will fly all around, and when you get tired, you will land on pooh.
I finally did it. I went out and got some cosmetic surgery done. I had my chin removed and my ears enlarged. It sucks having no chin, man. In the last two weeks alone, I've lost 17 motorcycle helmets.
I went to the tanning salon a couple of weeks ago, this place called Tantastic. I had never been in my life. I didn't know how the whole tanning process worked. I go in -- stupid girl that works there didn't tell me where those little goggles go;...
- Harland Williams - Barbecue Recipe(0:39)
- Harland Williams
- Harland loves to barbecue.
- Videos Tagged: food (804), Premium Blend (750), weather (130), Harland Williams (35)
- Harland Williams - Door Open Button(0:41)
- Harland Williams
- Everyone's pretended to push the elevator's door open button.
- Videos Tagged: observational (334), Pulp Comics (88), Harland Williams (35)
- Harland Williams - Interview(1:03)
- Harland Williams
- Harland describes his act as the face of a bulldog meeting a ceiling fan.
- Videos Tagged: interview (2828), Comedy Central Presents (1821), Harland Williams (35)
- Harland Williams - Everybody's Rude(1:20)
- Harland Williams
- Everyone pretends to hold the elevator.
- Videos Tagged: Comedy Central Presents (1821), observational (334), potty humor (124), Harland Williams (35)
Last night I could not get to sleep; I'm just flipping around in my bed, can't get to sleep. So here's what I do: I wake up at three in the morning, I go over to Krispy Kreme donuts. I buy two lovely honey-glazed donuts. I stick them to my eyes, and I climb up into a pine tree and pretend I'm an owl.
Everything's 'Star Wars' nowadays, isn't it, man? You go out to dinner with a friend. Between their beeping watch, their pager, their cell phone, it's like you're out with R2D2 for the evening.
How many people here are like me? They can't afford laser eye surgery, so you've got to stay up all night and wait for old 'Star Trek' reruns to come on TV. You've got to wait for that scene where the Enterprise starts shooting the laser beams, and you've got to run up and press your eyes against the TV.
My sister had this procedure where she goes in, she gets some of the fat sucked out of her bottom and injected into her cheeks to give her that fuller facial look. Now, the bad news is she doesn't look any better. But the good news is I now officially get to call her 'ass-face.'
I couldn't get to sleep last night. Have you ever heard your parents having sex? That is the worst sound in the world. You know, I'm laying bed, I'm just about asleep, when all of a sudden you hear the moaning and the sighing and the bed creaking....
Black or white, Chinese or Indonesian, Indian or Eskimo, we're all the same: everybody farts and goes pooh.
I came up with a barbecue recipe I want you all to try. Real easy to prepare, here's what you do: go over to your grocery store, pick yourself up some cow tongue, some bacon and some lovely, lovely freshly cut flank steak. It's my own recipe, friends. I call it, 'Lick My Greasy Ass.'
I had a fly in my house last week. This is what I did: I caught him, pulled all his legs off. Little bastard can't land. He's been airborne for five days. So, I went to the dog park, got a big loaf of Basset Hound pooh, put it on my living room floor just to tease him.
We hate crows, don't we? We hate them so much we invented scarecrows. Scarecrows don't scare crows. They attract homeless people. Think about it: you're a homeless guy walking down the road -- there's some new clothes and a field full of food.
Some animals are smart in the way they get you. How about the coyote? Here's how the coyotes kill you: what they do is they paint a target in the middle of the highway; they fill it up with Acme birdseed. You bend down to eat -- they drop a piano on your head.
Have you heard the word, friends? The al Qaedas are coming to get us. Every time you turn on the TV, there they are swinging on the monkey bars in their black bathrobes, somersaulting over that piece of wood. I'm afraid to go to the park in Home Depot.
