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- Gregg Rogell
- Born in Long Island, Gregg Rogell quickly rose through the club ranks and established himself as one of the top working stand ups in the country. Within a year of his debut, Rogell won "The funniest person in Long Island" contest, as well as the...Read on
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I quit smoking 'cause I want to live, and now that I'm not smoking, I don't want to live anymore.
Sometimes I wear two wallets so it looks like I have an ass.
Did you ever say something and wish you could take it back? Something like, 'Yeah, I'm a Jew. What are you skinheads going to do about it?'
George W. says he reads the Bible every day. He's 56 years old -- finish the book.
You realize in this country it costs 70 cents a minute to sponsor a starving person, and it costs $2.99 a minute to talk dirty to somebody? One hour of phone sex will feed 259 starving people. If we could somehow get these starving people to just talk dirty to us.
When I was a little kid, my parents told me straight out, 'There's no such thing as Santa Claus. You see a fat man in a red suit coming down that chimney, you blow his g**damn head off.'
What does a Japanese tourist think when he sees a big Barney floating down Sixth Avenue? It's gotta be unsettling for the poor guy.
Their holy holiday is Ramadan. It's a month-long holiday where you can't drink, can't eat, can't smoke, can't have sex until sundown for 28 days. It's different than Christmas.
These are sexually frustrated people. You want to liberate these people? We shouldn't be dropping bombs on these people -- we should be dropping hookers.
The number two cause of death among teenagers in America today are guns. You know the number one cause of death? Not having a gun.
It is the little things in life that are important: a good meal, fresh-fallen snow, the look on a child's face just before you hit him....
How do you catch criminals without guns? 'All right, we've got the place surrounded. Red rover, red rover, send the bad guy over.'
I think anytime you use a roaming charge, a little icon should pop up with a guy getting f**ked in the ass. That way you know you're roaming.
I get 200 anytime minutes and 3,000 we're-gonna-pluck-you-like-a-pigeon-and-laugh-at-you minutes. It's great. I can call anyone on Mondays between five and seven in the morning.
We're not athletic people. That's why it took us so long to get through that desert in the first place. Forty years -- we're not speed demons. We probably kept stopping and bitching the whole time.
You take 10 Jews at random and put 'em on a basketball court, you get a real estate seminar.
I was wondering why they wouldn't kick off the skinny guy with the red shirt, kept screwing up. Then I realized we were watching 'Gilligan's Island.'
They've got way too much in common, Mickey and Mikey -- it's gotta be the same guy. They've got the same voice, same physique, same shorts. Both love kids. Both wear a glove. Both have an amusement park in their back yard. Both black with a white face.
They should make it more interesting -- turn it into the New York City triathlon, start it in the South Bronx at around midnight. That I'd watch.
I'm taking a course here in New York in Italian martial arts. It's a lot like karate, lots of kicks and stuff, except there are two guys holding your opponent down.
