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- Earthquake
- Earthquake is an explosive comedic performer unlike any other. His stand-up comedy is at its peak, his ability to engage an audience is nationally known and he is now being heralded by critics as one of the most talented comedians in the country....Read on
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Marriage is like having cable with just one channel: same thing come on everyday. You see other things come on, but you can't watch it.
- Earthquake - Expensive Church(1:23)
- Earthquake
- You might be better off holding onto your money until you bump into God.
- Videos Tagged: Comedy Central Presents (1821), money (865), religion (776), Earthquake (9)
Don't want to go down to Alabama. It's hot down there -- slave heat. It was like 98 degrees at three in the morning. I was like, Alabama must got their own sun. I was hiding from the sun like it was the police.
You don't want to go down to Alabama. It's primitive. Don't take your phone down there -- ain't no AT&T, ain't no Sprint. They call each other the old fashioned way: they use pigeons.
White people talking about how Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves. No he didn't; polyester did. They stopped wearing cotton; they had to let us go.
I got a boy that was married, been married for six years -- videotaped his wedding day, never watched it. Six years later, now he watches it every day, but he watches it in reverse. I asked him. He said, 'I love seeing myself take that ring back off her f**kin' finger.'
Used to go to church, but church is getting too expensive. Cover charge is a bitch. I went one Sunday; they was passing around eight, nine plates. I just pulled my own plate, started passing that around.
I'll get God his money when I see him. And if he asked me why I was holding onto it, I say, 'Well, there's a lot of false prophets on Earth. I didn't know who to give your money to, and I didn't want to give it to the wrong person and still owe...
Black people late by nature. There's some slaves still on their way over here.
I know who wasn't black -- I don't care what nobody say -- Noah was not black. Noah and his family couldn't have been black 'cause there's no way no black family was on no boat for 40 days and 40 nights and didn't eat them two chickens.
Some people say that Jesus was black. I don't know if that's true or not, but that would explain why it's taking him so long to come back.
Best job I ever had was working in the cleaners. That was a good job. I cried like a bitch when they fired me. They fired me for wearing other people's clothes.
I've been to jail, but I do little stuff for little time. I go to jail for stuff like eating in the supermarket. Don't laugh -- all of us do this stuff. I'm the only brother who got caught.
I don't know what to tell a brother without no future. What do you tell him? What do you say on the phone? Keep your head up and your ass down.
You give a white kid some napkins and duck sauce, they'll make a bomb.
I got kids -- got three kids: two of them mine, one of them don't look like me. I was gonna get a blood test, but that costs $2500. I said I'll wait 'til he falls down and cuts himself.
I know how to get sisters. I got 30 years practicing that. All you got to do is go to the club and say, 'I got that rent money.'
I love black women: burnt black, slave black. I love my woman so black, I just like her to lay in the bed, look like a hole in the sheets.
- Earthquake - Noah's Ark(1:36)
- Earthquake
- There's no way Noah was a black man.
- Videos Tagged: Comedy Central Presents (1821), ethnic (814), animals (791), religion (776), Earthquake (9), Noah (1)
- Earthquake - Don't Work With Mexicans(1:42)
- Earthquake
- Mexicans make a brother look bad on the job.
- Videos Tagged: Comedy Central Presents (1821), ethnic (814), work/office (398), fashion (230), labor (57), Mexican (42), Earthquake (9)
