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- Cristela Alonzo
- Cristela Alonzo was born in a small, southern Texas border town called San Juan, the youngest of four siblings, to a single Mexican immigrant mother. Right from her elementary school years, Cristela would bring home straight A's, except in...Read on
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It's really hard being a single mom nowadays -- which is why I don't have children. I am a blackout drinker, though, so that's cool.
I used to hate when I was little and have to go to church. I hated church until the day I discovered wine -- or what we Catholics call 'the blood of Christ.' I was like, 'You give wine to little kids? Heck, yes, I'll love me some Jesus. Bring it...
My goal in life is to open up a nail salon in Vietnam, where all my workers speak nothing but English. It's payback time.
I meet a lot of strippers, and they always say the same thing: 'I'm paying my way through medical school.' Now, if that's the truth, why is that you never meet a doctor that used to be a stripper? You'd think they'd be everywhere.
- Cristela Alonzo - What Happened?(2:00)
- Cristela Alonzo
- Cristela used to be little; now she is huge.
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- Cristela Alonzo - Hot and Fun(1:32)
- Cristela Alonzo
- Cristela Alonzo likes watching the late night phone sex commercials on television.
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- Cristela Alonzo - What Would Jesus Do?(2:24)
- Cristela Alonzo
- God doesn't check IDs.
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