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- Adam Ferrara
- "Adam Ferrara: Funny As Hell" premieres Friday June 12th at 11pm / 10c. Adam Ferrara is a stand up comedian and actor, recently dubbed "hilarious!" by Entertainment Weekly. He is currently a regular on the Emmy-nominated hit FX TV show...Read on
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I am a Catholic. Basically, the Catholic religion is 'If it feels good -- stop.'
Whenever she uses the phrase 'I was thinking...,' that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.
If you look at a group of people that had faith, it's got to be the Jews. They followed Moses through the desert for 40 years with no map. There had to be one guy in the back, like, 'I don't think he knows where he's going.'
My favorite Catholic holiday is Easter. For those of you that don't know, Easter is the day we celebrate Jesus rising from the grave and coming back to Earth as a rabbit that hides colored eggs.
My fondest childhood memory is I made out with my babysitter, Cathy. She stops in the middle of everything: 'We have to stop this. I feel like such a whore.' 'Why? I'm not paying you -- my parents are! Come here!'
I know she's just trying to make things nice, so I do my part. Now, when I get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I turn on the light. I used to just go by sonar: just keep peeing 'til you hear water.
The biggest thing in my life right now is my girlfriend. I love this girl. I know I love her because she told me.
As soon as you lay down, that's when the most bizarre things start coming out of her mouth. 'Goodnight, baby.' 'Do you think we were together in a past life?' 'Yeah, and I died of sleep deprivation. Go to bed.' 'Don't you feel like we're soul...
Being in a relationship is like being in A.A. My friends ask me, 'How's it going with that girl?' 'One day at a time, man.'
You gotta fight. You gotta get out the negative energy. Don't let it build up. You end up screaming at each other over something totally stupid, like, 'Well, why'd you put this spoon in this drawer then?' 'Just to piss you off, that's why! I got...
Ladies, your happiness is very important to us. You have to understand that. Because when you're happy, you let us touch you.
Men tend to lie when it comes to sexual conquests. You should hear some of the ego-driven lies my friends have told me: 'Swear to God, man -- the hooker gave the money back.'
Sex is important to guys. We need stories to tell our friends.
I love my girlfriend, don't get me wrong. I truly love this woman, but I have the ability to have sex without any emotional involvement. It's a gift.
Do you realize we have a million sperm cells in our body and only one brain to govern them? And when they start to organize, there is civil unrest in the genitalia. I have the Million Man March in my underwear right now!
My girlfriend wants to get married. I tell you -- I hope she meets somebody nice.
The girls are beautiful in Hollywood -- and enough silicon to caulk a sink.
There were many reasons we broke up. There was a religious difference: I'm a Catholic, and she's the devil.
I talk a lot about women in my act, 'cause let's face it -- if I was hungry, I would talk about food.
I don't think it's fair -- you get married, you give your wife a wedding ring. I think you should give her a mood ring. Oh, it may sound crass, but just check the color when you come home. 'Hi honey. Infernal red? Oh boy, I ain't getting laid, and I gotta cut the lawn, I know it.'
