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Todd Barry: Dirty Brad Pitt
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Reality runs out at 4:30 tomorrow afternoon.
Theme parks are a great way to get rid of money fast.
Fast food employees can make you lose your appetite.
There hasn't been a good joust match in a while.
Rappers have too many guests on their albums.
If you're willing to wait, you can see "Finding Nemo" on ice.
There aren't too many good nicknames left for the next rock 'n' roll legend.
It's fun to have a band on your show because of all the metal chicks backstage.
Sean has his reasons why he always sits near the aisle.
Every boy band has a Designated Badass.
Q: What has brown hair, six legs, and sings like Michael
Jackson?
A: The Jonas Brothers.
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What''s the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper?
One is pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost.
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You're so stupid you thought Puff Daddy was a brand of
cigarettes.
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He smiles so much, I don't think he has a central nervous
system.
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Some lady told me the other day that I look like John Goodman.
She goes, 'You look like John Goodman.' Then she goes, 'A thin John Goodman.' Like...
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Halftime at the Super Bowl is the best because halftime at the
Super Bowl has gotten exponentially worse every year. I use the word 'exponentially'...
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I do not understand why people write letters to magazines. It
accomplishes nothing; it's pointless. [If] you want to see your name in print that...
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I don't like jazz music, and I don't like it on behalf of you,
the common stupid person. Here's why -- hold on, you're pretty dumb -- here's why:...
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They've got way too much in common, Mickey and Mikey -- it's
gotta be the same guy. They've got the same voice, same physique, same shorts. Both...
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As the concert unfolds, I realize this isn't really a concert,
this is more of a magic show; that everything they do -- the pyrotechnics, the...
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