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''Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?''
''Dogs can't talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a drink. If not, I get to kick your ass.''
''Okay,'' says the guy. He turns to his dog. ''Okay fella. Tell me -- what is on top of a house?''
''Roof!'' The man turns and smiles at the bartender.
''THAT ain't talking! Any dog can bark!''
''Okay boy. Tell me -- how does sandpaper feel?''
''Ruff!"
''What the hell you tryin' to pull mister?''
''Okay, okay," says the man. "One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me -- who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?''
"Ruth."
The bartender beats the hell out of the guy and throws onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at the guy.
"Geez. Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"
Matt Weinhold - Extreme Jumping
There is no bungee battalion of the army.
Tags: Matt Weinhold (3), Iraq (1073), kids (841)
Posted: 05/19/93
Views: 426
Barry Marder - Slim-Fast
Give Slim-Fast a week, it'll take off seven days.
Tags: Barry Marder (2), health (976), food (804)
Posted: 02/24/92
Views: 812
Dave Attell - Drugs
Dave did acid with his friend Terry, the little man who lives in Dave's eyebrow.
Tags: Dave Attell (61), drugs (639), sports (631)
Posted: 08/24/97
Views: 3,080
Eddie Pence - Streakers
Eddie Pence knows what it would look like if he woke up in prison.
Tags: Eddie Pence (3), sex (1283), animals (791)
Posted: 07/20/06
Views: 1,686
Tig - Running Magazines
Couldn't one issue of a running magazine cover everything?
Tags: Tig (8), animals (791), Premium Blend (750)
Posted: 02/01/01
Views: 656
Jake Johannsen - Nude Plus Liquor
Jake's never been to his favorite bar.
Tags: Jake Johannsen (38), sex (1283), sports (631)
Posted: 05/24/93
Views: 480
Mitch Hedberg - Alcoholism
Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only disease you can get yelled at for having.
Tags: Mitch Hedberg (19), Comedy Central Presents (1821), sports (631)
Posted: 01/04/99
Views: 14,835
John Heffron - Life Caddy
John's life caddy sizes up an important decision.
Tags: John Heffron (24), Comedy Central Presents (1821), sex (1283)
Posted: 01/29/04
Views: 2,726
Doug Benson - Pee or Spank
The words 'pee' and 'spank' shouldn't even be said on the same day.
Tags: Doug Benson (29), Comedy Central Presents (1821), kids (841)
Posted: 03/04/04
Views: 1,601
Matt Bearden - Rat Problem
Matt Bearden has rats in his apartment.
Tags: Matt Bearden (1), animals (791), Premium Blend (750)
Posted: 12/02/04
Views: 269
