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Demetri Martin: Bumper Stickers
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Vince's friend Steve isn't even named Steve.
The car pool lanes are unfair to people with no friends.
Bob has some jokes about his friend Mort.
The worst part about level five is the sun.
Richard's friend smoked a lot of grass in college.
Vince is becoming an alcoholic because he's poor.
Use your own voice if you're going to sing along to the radio.
Road trips are best left to a guy and his friends, not a guy and his wife.
Denny's: a place to eat for the tired or wasted.
The carpool lane discriminates against the lonely. These
peoples -- through no fault of their own -- don't have the social skills to make friends....
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My best friend got a truck. She didn't want to be so trendy, so
she got a UPS truck. You might laugh, but she can park it anywhere.
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If you want to sing in my car, go ahead, sing. Sing the whole
trip, I don't mind. But do me a favor: don't try to sound like the artist on the...
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Being pulled over is no joke. It's scary, but you know what's
even worse? Being a passenger in your friend's car when they get pulled over. That's...
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I drive an SUV. My little hippie friend, Robert, told me that,
apparently, my car rapes the land. That's what he told me when I was giving him a...
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My question is -- after you've been arrested three or four
times, who calls up their friends and goes, 'Hey! Let's get an eight-ball, let's get a...
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-- All men are idiots, and I married their king.
-- Your kid
may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
-- I brake for no apparent...
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Q: Why does a traffic light turn red?
A: If you had to
change in front of everyone, you'd turn red, too.
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If something is inherently funny, it's relatable after the
fact. Anyone who says, 'You had to be there,' should just not have told you the thing in...
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You ever say the wrong thing? Like maybe you pass someone you
know on the street, unexpectedly, and as you go by, you're trying to play it cool,...
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