I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition: (Check those that apply)
__ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
__ Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
__ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.
__ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.
__ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
__ Your breasts are bigger than mine.
__ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.
__ You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess. AMEN!
__ You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.
__ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
__ Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.
__ Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
__ Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.
__ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
__ The fact that you categorize the ProBowler's Tour as 'Must See TV' demonstrated that you do not meet my intelligence requirements.
__ Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.
__ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
Gabriel Iglesias: Aloha Fluffy is now available at the Comedy Central Shop.