1. "You get this round and the next round is on me."
I'll be leaving before the next round.
2. "I'll get this round and the next one is on you." Happy hour is about to end. Beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they''ll be $3.50.
3. "Hey, where is that friend of yours?"
I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.
4. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female)
5. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male)
6. "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female)
I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.
7. "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male)
If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?
8. "I don't feel well, let's go home." (female)
You are paying more attention to your friends than me.
9. I don't feel well, let's go home." (male)
10. "Who''s got the next round?"
I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.
Gabriel Iglesias: Aloha Fluffy is now available at the Comedy Central Shop.